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i want a cute boy to let me hold his hand and his credit card
If life is a Bitch, then why hasn´t it made me a Sandwich?
These ‘energy saving’ light-bulbs are bullsh!t. They take just as much effort to screw in as the ordinary ones.
You`re never too old to learn stupid sh!t
I don`t plan anything as well as I plan which alcoholic beverage I`m going to consume once I leave work.
If you have fewer than 25 FB friends. Please unfriend me because thats just embarassing and I dont want to be on your "loser" list.
My girlfriend was complaining last night that I never listen to her. Or something like that.
Dear YouTube, I will always “Skip this ad.”
Admit it, you have that one voice that you only use on animals and babies.
[boss calls me to office] We found a lot of disgusting porn on your computer. Thats a matter of opinion. Some may say it`s the right amount.
This is the only comment you should be leaving on porn sites: “Why are you doing this? Please come home. Your mother and I are heartbroken.”
Do you think the dude that invented the breathalyzer has any friends left?
My daughter said, "You`re the best mommy ever!" I`m really proud that she`s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
I`ve dieted and worked out enough to realize that the only way I`m getting smokin` hot is by getting cremated.
2015 and I still can`t believe it`s not butter!