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Sleep is like sex, you never get enough of it and sometimes it feels like it never happened at all.
Why does the girl in the Wendy`s commercials have Ronald McDonalds hair?
I fail to understand the ‘good’ part of ‘good morning’
I don`t know why I don`t buy more piñatas. Like right now I would love to beat the shit out of something and then eat a bunch of candy.
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren`t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
Nothing good goes into a microwave at 2:00am.
Pregreening - creeping forward while waiting for a red light to change.
If ignorance is bliss then there`s a crap load of people in paradise
I was admiring my six pack in the mirror for two hours,then it got cold and I put it in the fridge
My road to success is under construction and all the workers are out getting sh!tfaced.
If idiots could fly this place would be an airport.
Jake from State Farm works some very crappy hours.
Liam Neeson trained Batman, Obi Wan, and Darth Vader. He is both Aslan and Zeus…and he punches wolves. Why would you kidnap his family?
I think the saying "every man for himself" was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
I have blank business cards I hand out and call them my “none of your business” cards.