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When I say "I cleaned my room", I usually mean I made a path from my door to my bed.
Wine: How classy people get trashed.
This Polo shirt as two buttoning options: Uptight Golf prick or disco chest hairs.
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they`re hatching some kind of evil plan.
I only drink alcohol because there aren`t enough ways to eat it.
Does it count as saving someone`s life if you just refrain from killing them?
There are 3 levels of pain. 1. Pain 2. Excruciating pain 3. Stepping on a Lego
I`ve come to believe that everyone on Earth could benefit from a 12 step program.
I can cope with voices in my head but the voices outside my head drive me crazy
Have you ever said something and immediately thought “I didn’t know I knew that."
It`s kind of weird that beams of electricity strike down from the sky and we`re all just okay with it.
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
Netflix basically has every movie, except for the ones I actually want to watch.
If Shakespeare is correct and "all the world is a stage" then I seriously would like to be in control of that trap door.
If two donuts are stuck together it counts as one right?