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My goal today is to lose this hangover and earn another
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
Balloons think they’re so cool. I tried to tell one he was leaking and he just said, “Pfft.”
someone took my mood ring away... dont know how i feel about it
It may look like I`m doing nothing, but I`m actively waiting for my problems to go away.
Everybody stop what you`re doing and play with crayons! You`re wlecome, enjoy the day.
Mission Impossible: Ordering something at Subway without saying, "ummmm".
Go to China on honeymoon. Get intimate with Husband. Tell child that they were "Made in China."
I need to do laundry so bad I`m actually wearing Christmas stockings
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
When you "pretend speak" to someone in the background while ordering takeout so that the restaurant doesn`t judge your big order for one.
I just took the "What Kind of Asshole are You?" quiz and got "The kind that posts my results on Facebook".
I was pretty disappointed when my boss said we can`t do throw-back Thursday, or bring tequila shots to work
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I`d probably have done better if they`d specified that they didn`t mean by tickling.
Ugh... Seriously? If I get ONE more sexual advance on facebook, that will be.. like... a first.