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It`s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
I`m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
When I die I want my body donated to science; specifically a scientist who is working on bringing dead people back to life
Me: Mom…Dad. I’ve decided to live on my own from now on. Parents: Ok, cool. Me: Your luggage is outside.
I`m feeling about as useful as a stoplight in Grand Theft Auto.
Relationships are like bathrooms. I`m in them a lot longer than I need to be, probably cause I`m playing on my phone the whole time.
I`d do anything to lose 20lbs. Well, except for eating healthy or working out.
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
The best thing about living in the southern U.S. is that "He needed killing" is a valid legal defense.
you know what`s funny? Obviously neither do I or I would have posted it.
The number of things that are *NOT* rocket science is staggering.
Admit it, we’ve all hidden our favorite food from the rest of our family.
Birds do it. Bees do it. Heck, even fleas do it. Let`s do it! Let`s live in a homeless man`s beard!
Lightning is like God`s way of saying "Get out of that tree you pervert!"
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.