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If it weren’t for law enforcement and physics, I would be unstoppable.
Sadly no matter how hard you try, you can`t mail a fart. Too bad though, because this would actually make paying Bills a lot more fun.
I`ve actually have come to the conclusion that some of today`s youth may actually believe "laughing out loud" is actually spelled "lol"
is actually feeling pretty much okay about not accomplishing anything this year.
I am addicted to Cold Turkey. Not sure how I will ever quit that one.
This salad tastes like I`m about done with my New Year`s Resolution.
Men would be way more excited about cleaning if spray bottles made a laser noise.
I don’t know who decided that high heels were just for women but…GOOD CALL.
It`s actually the voices outside my head that bothers me the most.
I am fluent in three languages: English, Profanity, and Sarcasm
I`ve been married twice. The next wife I have will be someone else`s and she can just go home when she`s mad at me.
The difference between pizza and your opinion is that I asked for pizza…
There is no vulnerable feeling like when you are about to sneeze ... with a mouthful of rice.
No Grandma, "sausage fest" is not a new special breakfast at IHOP
I licked some of the frosting, but then I just ate the whole cake. No evidence. Problem solved.