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I noticed you stopped taking your meds. Can I have them?
You health nuts are gonna feel real stupid when you`re laying in the hospital dying of nothing.
OMG you guys! Almost hit a jogger while i was taking a selfie and driving today...so please you guys, be careful, do NOT jog.
Zombies only eat brains. You’re safe.
There is a 100% chance that I’ve called some of the most wonderful people in the world the most horrible things imaginable while in traffic.
Felt like being Bad today, like an Outlaw Bad, felt like doing something illegal, so I ran through the house ripping off all the Mattress Tags..... Come and get me Coppers, but you won`t take me alive.......................
Marriage: an expensive way to get your laundry done for free..
If you have alphabet fridge magnets and morals, you probably shouldn`t invite me over.
I think eating is my kind of sport.
Hooray ! My face book film has been nominated for an Academy Award
Pork is awesome, but it`s best when used as a verb.
My 17yo pretends he doesn`t understand how the washer works when I ask him to do the laundry Congrats, you`re finally a man
You ever notice that the number of extra steps a drunk takes getting home? ...its staggering!
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
If A-B-C-D didn`t drag out their part of the Alphabet song, LMNOP wouldn`t have to be so rushed.