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I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo
iOS 8 let`s you passcode lock specific apps? It`s fun imagining how many break ups that will cause.
Apparently, you can only say "Look at you! You got so big!" to kids. Old girlfriends tend to get offended. Who knew?
Who let the owls out?? Don`t sing the chorus you`ll make it worse.
Getting to places would be so much easier if I had a helicopter.
Ways to tell a woman is mad at you: 1. She is silent. 2. She is yelling. 3. She acts different. 4. She acts the same. 5. She kills you.
LADIES: Not all men get into a relationship just for sex. Some just need a personal chef.
Never underestimate a girl’s ability to find things out.
“Can we talk tomorrow?” is my way of saying “I’ll try to do a better job of avoiding you tomorrow?”
You’d be amazed how often I’m wrong when people say guess what.
Trying to be a responsible adult is messing up my social life.
You say you want to bring me back to reality. You’re assuming I’ve been there before.
I almost forgot to upload a pic of my Starbucks coffee. What a waste of coffee that would have been!
Karma may "work" but I think that bitch takes a lot of days off
A penny for your thoughts, Five bucks if they’re naughty.