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School is like an erection. It`s long and hard unless you`re Asian.
Teaching your own mother how to use Facebook is like willingly signing your own death warrant
Why be difficult, when with just a little more effort, you can be impossible.
My grocery list is just a piece of paper saying ~ don`t run into anyone you know.
A Waist Is A Terrible Thing To Mind
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
It is only when you see a mosquito landing on your testicles that you realise that there is always a way to solve problems without violence
Don’t judge someone because they sin differently than you.
Roses are red. Monsters are green. Just look in the mirror. You`ll know what I mean.
If money can’t buy happiness explain pizza.
If you feel bad because you didn’t do well on a final, just remember someone from your hometown is still trying to become a rapper.
If a girl picks an iron in monopoly you know she`s a keeper
If stress burned calories, I’d be a super model.
When I get married I plan on introducing my spouse as my ex-fiancé just to mess with people.
The odds of winning the lottery are 1 in 10 million. The odds of being the fastest sperm are 1 in 300 million. You`d think that with those odds, you`d win the lottery 30 times in your life.