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If I ran the country, things would be a lot better. Well…for me anyway.
It is kinda at the point where everything in my life is a movie reference
Went into a five-star hotel to use the bathroom and now it`s a two-star hotel.
Is life fair? Short answer, no. Long answer, nooooooo.
Fact: 96% of all arguments end with somebody saying “Google that shit!”
"Do not touch" must be one of the scariest things to read in braille
Double-Stuffed Oreos should just be called Oreos, and regular Oreos should be called Diet Oreos.
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
Why are there never any good side effects. Just once, I’d like to read a medication bottle that says “May Cause Multiple Orgasms”
Why do people post pictures of missing people on facebook?...like we are going outside.
I know it`s 3 meals a day,,,,,, But how many at night?
The phrase "Don`t take this the wrong way." has a zero percent success rate.
My wife told me: "Sex is better on vacation." That wasn`t a very nice postcard to receive.
When I get in an elevator, before I press a button I look at everyone inside and say “Are you ready to take this sh!t to a whole new level?”
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I want to use my finger and write WASH ME on her face…