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I hope this guy at the urinal next to me can see that I`m checking Facebook and not taking pictures.
I bet sex is great when I`m not the only one in the room.
How do you know you`re old? ... Check your glove box for paper maps ...
I`m pretty sure if someone broke into my house, my dog would just show them how much he likes to lick his balls
Slow dancing with a fat girl? More like moving a fridge by yourself.
so far so good.... no unexpected father`s day cards or presents!
I bet the first person that heard a parrot talk really lost their sh!t.
I want to grow my own food but I can`t find any bacon seeds.
Guys, how many times have you said "it looks great honey" when you really are just laughing inside?
Google image results are like a party that starts off exactly how you expected and gets weirder the longer you stay.
I really don`t know what the big deal is about Black Friday. I black out every Friday....
"Sarcasm is a body`s natural defense against stupid."
Next time you`re down in the dumps...pick me up a spare tire!
I felt really mischievous earlier so I bought a McDonalds and ate it at a KFC
Aaron Hernandez`s next jersey is going to be a jailhouse jumpsuit!