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People who text back... "kk" ... Are so annoying! ....and almost racist
I miss being able to use the excuse "I wasn`t home when you called."
In a weird twist,,, The longer I stay at home,,, The more homeless I look.
Showed my daughter an MRE. The package said "Peelable Seal". She said I`m not eating no seal.
Don`t just lay there... Move! Bounce! Do something!! ~ me, pleading with my hair
What is easier to pick up the heavier it gets? Women hahaha
Paused Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Factory to go buy a Snickers. This is why I can`t watch Breaking Bad.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you`ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
I`m 0-9 on finding secret rooms behind bookcases.
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
Today is National animals day, please take a moment to remember your ex :p:p:p.
I think I can survive on Mars since they found water for my coffee.
Relationship Tip for men: When a woman says, "Correct me if I`m wrong but...."Don`t do it!! It`s a trap!! DO NOT, I repeat, do not correct that woman!!!
I`m going to hire two private detectives to follow each other .
Most of the lies I tell aren`t even true!