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Breaking News: Tuesdays suck just as much as Mondays.
The guy that discovered milk...What was he doing to that cow?
Having children is a fantastic source of free labor.
Every novel is a mystery novel if you never finish it
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself was clearly never married.
When I got divorced, we split the house. I got the outside....
When I say "It’s a long story," it doesn’t mean it’s actually a long story. It means I just don’t want to tell you.
Why isn’t our beer color coordinated for all holiday occasions, instead of just St. Patricks Day?
The secret of enjoying a good wine: 1) Open the bottle to allow it breathe. 2) If it does not look like it`s breathing, give it mouth-to-mouth.
When I die, bury me with a pack of smokes, no light. Where I`m going, there will have plenty of free fires to light from.
Working on my 32 point plan to be more spontaneous. Any suggestions?
The longer I stay at home, the more homeless I look.
I don`t know why you are complaining about your appearance, your personality is even worse.
Mirrors don`t lie. Lucky for you, they don`t laugh either.
Bicyclists, it`s one thing to hog the road, but it`s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.