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The Wizard of Oz is really just a cautionary tale about the lengths a woman will go to for the right shoes.
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? I still have to get up and take the disc out. It`s like having a remote to open the fridge.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I`m like HOLY CRAP I`M OUTSIDE.
I don`t know why beer companies bother with an expiration date. It`s never going to make it anywhere near that.
How do they even grow boneless chicken`s?
Am I the only one that always puts my wallet back into my pocket before getting my change back?
The next person I hear say “I love fall” is getting choked out with a scarf soaked in pumpkin spice latte.
Now that "twerk" has been added to the dictionary, I can`t wait for a Spelling Bee judge to be asked to use it in a sentence.
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn`t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat...
If you`re going to have opinions on my life, then I am assuming you will be paying some of the bills.
How come the voices inside of a crazy person`s head never say shit like "hey, go to the gym" or "hey, cure cancer" or "hey, don`t be crazy"?
I just got a paper cut opening a box of Pop Tarts. There will be no more fancy breakfasts around here.
The bad news: I took the wrong medication today. The good news: For the next 3 months I`m protected against heartworms and fleas.
It is impossible to look cool while holding onto a leash attached to a dog who is taking a crap.
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you`ve got alzheimers.