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Sent my ex a card that said, "Get better soon." He`s not ill, just really crappy in bed.
Every woman in this world is beautiful...........except for the ugly ones!
You can tell how a persons life is going by how they press the crosswalk button.
I`m a huge fan of screaming "You`re welcome" really loud when people don`t say thank you...
Coffee...Meet your Maker!
Just once, I want a username and password prompt to say, “Close Enough.”
The most amazing thing about the internet is how it allows you, with the click of a few buttons, to do absolutely nothing with your life.
Apparently it was a bad idea to ask Siri, "What do women want?" She`s been talking for the last 2 days and doesn`t seem ready to shut up anytime soon.
A man walks into a bar & orders a beer. He drinks it, looks in his pocket & orders another. This happens 7 more times. Bartender asks, "What`s in your pocket?" Man says, "I have a photo of my wife in there. When she looks good enough, I`ll go home."
The guy who used to proofread Hitler`s speeches was the first grammar Nazi.
Remember bad decisions make the best stories!!!
I like to refer to myself as a "Second-hand Vegetarian". Animals eat grass. I eat animals.
I like calling the Psychic Hotline and asking them what I`m wearing.
Hey Lady!, I just deposited $43 dollars in THIS bank.. DON`T FROWN AT ME WHEN I TAKE 3 SUCKERS!
I test drove a car last month. Apparently, you`re not supposed to keep the car for a month. At least that what this cop is telling me.