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Got in touch with my inner self this morning. That`s the LAST time I buy single ply toilet paper.
I bet you $567.89 you can’t guess how much I owe my bookie.
Laugh now because when I die, I`m coming back to haunt you.
If you take bites out of string cheese rather than rip strings off , you don`t f*cking deserve string cheese.
Don’t trust people that dislike pizza. They’re probably not human.
I hope I die alone. I mean, you`d have to be a pretty big jerk to hope others die with you.
You don’t have to be naked to have a good time, but it helps.
Why are there never any good side effects. Just once, I’d like to read a medication bottle that says “May Cause Multiple Orgasms”
Ways to tell a woman is mad at you: 1. She is silent. 2. She is yelling. 3. She acts different. 4. She acts the same. 5. She kills you.
It’s funny how people get mad when you treat them the same way they treat you.
You haven`t truly made it on YouTube until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
I don’t mind going to work. It’s that eight-hour wait to go home that bugs me.
Facebook - the place where you can whine and get likes for it...
I thought "twerking" was short for "networking". I really embarrassed myself while giving that presentation to the company`s Board of Directors.
I broke up with my girlfriend by e-mail. I don`t know what upset her most, the fact that I did it by email or the fact that I cc`d my new girlfriend who wanted proof.