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A good husband is like a bra. He should be supportive and help support your burdens, but mostly he`s just there to touch your boobs.
You, my friend, deserve a high-five... that’s four more fingers than I normally give.
Sometimes the best helping hand you can give is a good, firm push
Apparently "I`ll break your god damn legs" isn`t the problem solving skills that employers are looking for, at least according to HR anyway.
Maybe the reason the world keeps making idiots famous is because 75% of the world is made up of idiots.
It`s always awkward ending phone calls with loved ones. I`m always like, "I love you," and they`re like, "Thank you for choosing Pizza Hut."
Scared some Jehovah`s Witnesses today by going to the door completely naked. I`m not sure what scared them more, me being totally naked or the fact that I knew where they lived.
Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.
I swear 90% of the contacts in my phone are useless.
Keep reaching for the stars but please get a better deodorant.
If you need some help at Home Depot and are being ignored, get on one of their step ladders.
A date with Destiny.. Cause strippers need lovin` too.
I believe in the silver rule of life: Do unto others then run!
If you don`t believe that women will actually fight over a pair of shoes, you`ve never watched The Wizard of Oz!
Half a dozen: because “six” is way to long.