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Honesty is the best policy, but insanity makes for a better legal defense.
You can`t fix STUPID, but you can Numb it with a 2x4.
I hate it when I`m in a crowded elevator and yell out "GROUP HUG!" and people look at me all weird and stuff.. Making friends is hard.
Sometimes I wish I wasn`t rich and handsome and delusional.
Santa must be the bravest man around. Who else would let a bunch of deer pull them around in a sleigh during hunting season?
Remember, Christmas is over if you sit on a strangers lap now and ask for stuff it`s because you`re a whore.
If we could master the look dogs have when we’re eating in front of them, we’d be able to have sex with any woman at will.
You know you`re married when you find her sexier with clothes on.
Next time a guy says he wants to fight you, just say "not in that outfit!" and roller skate away
Hitting on women at this PTA meeting would probably be easier if I actually had a kid at this school.
Everyone, please... a moment of silence for all my married friends who have a shared Facebook account.
Did you know you can buy live lobsters? Anyway, can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters.
Before having a kid the most important thing to ask yourself is “Am I ready to watch the exact same cartoon on repeat for the next 4 years?”
FACT: Men are much less likely to divulge a secret than women. Probably because they weren`t really listening to begin with.
The Super Bowl is over, everyone. Time to briefly learn the names of some Winter Olympians.