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Would a transformer buy life insurance or car insurance?
Better ingredients. Better pizza. Horrible acting. Papa Johns.
I stepped on the scale today. Not to get my weight. I just couldn`t reach the cookies in the cupboard.
At this point in my life the only reason I want to be rich is to hire somebody to clean my house.
I wish I had a dollar for every dollar I don`t have.
I am busier than a one legged man in an arse kicking contest.
Heat causes things to expand, so I`m not fat; I`m just hot.
The next time you feel you’re worthless…. just remember…. your organs are worth a LOT of money on the black market.
They have all those non-smoking laws in public places so let’s now all focus on passing some perfume/cologne usage limits.
I`m pretty sure by now “lazy” is just part of my personality description.
I want to put a bib on a baby that says "This dumbass put my cape on backwards." lol
Staring longingly at the door works for my dog, but I tried it at work and no one let me out. :(
I`ve reached the age where happy hour is a nap.
Never do anything for money. Unless it’s a lot of money. Then do anything.
You bring a baby monitor to the bar one time and everyone freaks out.