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Please say a prayer for my coworker. His life is so boring that he just Instagrammed his Jimmy Johns sandwich
If I could choose any one mythological creature to become alive & real, I`d have to pick…My girlfriend.
Me: Dad, going to the 50cents concert. Dad: Here`s a dollar, take your sister with you.
Christmas tip: Wrap empty boxes and put them under the tree. Everytime your child acts up, throw one in the fireplace.
This earthquake was the first time that I`ve ever said, "it was 4.7, but felt bigger."
Most computer problems are caused by a loose nut between the chair and the keyboard.
You can go a long way with a smile. You can go a lot farther with a smile and a gun.
I react to "Someone has tagged a photo of you..." in the same way I react to a doctor saying, "Your test results came back..."
Shouldn`t the Air and Space museum be empty?
I`m thinking about remodeling my bathroom and thanks to all your selfies I`m getting some great ideas!!.....
I`m super lazy today. Which is like normal lazy but I`m also wearing a cape.
I wish college was 5 easy payments of $19.99
The Super Bowl is over, everyone. Time to briefly learn the names of some Winter Olympians.
Be Poor... Its Cheaper :)
Me: I`m gonna lose weight. Me: I`m gonna exercise every day. Me: I`m gonna go on a diet and stick to it. Me: Is that cake?