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A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now.
I`ve been married to my wife 10 years today. Having sex with just one person in 10 years is pure dedication. I don`t know how she does it.
I try not to be rude, but some people make it hard work.
I was addicted to the Hokey Pokey but I turned myself around.
This morning I woke up to a surprise BJ. Thats the last time I fall asleep on the train with my mouth open.
That "No alcohol beyond this point." sign might as well say "I bet you can´t chug that whole beer!"
You look like you only got about 5 of your 8 hours of beauty sleep last night...
I saw a bumper sticker today that said "I miss New York", so I smashed their window and snatched their laptop...
How does one get suspended with full pay and benefits? Asking for a friend who is actually me.
Saying "think outside the box" is a pretty inside the box suggestion.
Bitch, I grew up on the streets!!...Yes, it was Sesame
Living with a child is like using a blender with no lid...
Life is like a burrito. If you fill it with too many things it falls apart and then you cry and they kick you out of Chipotle.
I`m just like you ... Only smarter and better looking.