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There’s both a McDonald’s and a blood pressure machine in this Walmart. Circle of life.
Childhood is like being drunk. Everyone remembers what you did, except you.
I like having an ex ...it gives me something to do on Facebook at 3 in the morning.
Have you ever wondered what a job application at Hooters is like? Maybe they just give you a bra and say, “here, fill this out”.
Showed my daughter an MRE. The package said "Peelable Seal". She said I`m not eating no seal.
Thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried...
See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
I`m fat, but I blame my dog for not exercising me enough.
I haven`t been this disappointed since I first saw a real hedgehog and it wasn`t blue.
Government Shutdown: Day Three Jellystone Park still closed. Still no pic-a-nic baskets. Yogi stares at Boo-Boo... Boo-Boo looks tasty.
I HATE it when I get invited to weird events on Facebook. ..For the FIFTH time, I do not want to go to your cat`s birthday party. Damn it! ..My dog is getting married
What I lack in sex appeal I make up in staying home and drinking.
People who say "I hate to bother you" need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
I`m not saying my ex wasn`t pretty, but every time my wallet got stolen the thief would return her picture.
They say love is in every corner… Then my life must be a freakin’ circle.