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Time heals all wounds...unless it`s infected or gangrene or something then time makes it worse.
Whoever invented marriage was creepy as hell. Like, hey you, I love you so much, I`m gonna get the government involved so you can`t leave.
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting...
Coffee : Starter fluid for the morning impaired.
Going to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me with that needle, I run off yelling `thanks for the free shave loser!`
In my experience, most arguments are caused by a misunderstanding of the fact that Iām right.
Don`t worry, some people are their own punishment in life.
Momma didn`t raise no fool. I did this all on my own.
Euphoria....the feeling you get when you finally beat "that" level on Candy Crush.
The worst job to have right about now would be that of a realtor in Ferguson.
If a worker gets fired & banned from the Lego company, have they been "blocked"?
My phone dies faster than a black man in a horror film.
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it`s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
It`s hard to trust people. Even the blind prefer to be guided by dogs.
No matter how fast you run, the serial killer always walks faster.