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For years I thought hitchhikers were just complimenting my driving.
with great power...comes great electric bill...
If you`re going take a bathroom picture, at least clean it off. I can`t see anything through all the toothpaste.
Sometimes I`ll catch my reflection in a mirror and I`ll be like, "oh no, that can`t be right."
The iPhone 5S: Because the NSA wants your thumbprint now too.
If Apple really want to introduce something new and "innovative" they should just release a longer charger.
Girls who don`t get naked when you`re drunk.. Explain yourselves.
You can dress for success or undress for it. It depends on what type of work you want.
times new roman walks into a bar. "sorry, we don`t serve your type."
I`m just a boy...standing in front of a girl...asking her to lov.....aw who am I trying to fool. I just want in your pants.
It’s what people don’t know about each other that makes them such good friends.
To the lady at Costco with her son on a leash. I`m sorry that I asked if he was a rescue.
I hate brushing my teeth at night. It signifies I can`t have any more food and I`m never ready for that kind of commitment.
I`m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
I deserve an Oscar for my performance in "Holy crap this is a terrible gift but I`ll pretend to love it."