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Do trolls even live under bridges anymore? Or have they all relocated to the Internet?
Remember when phones were stupid and people were smart?
You’re not in a serious relationship until he leaves you in a room alone with his phone.
You know that you have eaten way too much junk food when you start actually craving something healthy.
"Mary had a little lamb. That`s had." - the wolf
You`re never too old to be spanked ...If you play your cards right.
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too? Me: If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
Netflix is a lot like facebook in the way I just waste time scrolling and scoffing at things.
Tip Of The Week: When going through airport customs and you are asked “do you have any firearms with you?” do not reply “what do you need?”
I liked you better before we met.
Fruit cocktail is the most disappointing of all the cocktails.
Whenever I think of a funny status I always get a pen and write it down so I can use it later, and if the pen is too far away I just convince myself that it wasn’t that funny anyway.
I`ll sell my broken watch when the time is right.
I’m glad to know that we will never have to worry about a lack of weathermen. I mean, I know at least a couple dozen on Facebook.
My doctor told me to eat more bacon cheeseburgers. Well, what he technically said was to eat "less pizza", but I`m pretty sure I know what he meant.