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If you think you`re bad with words, imagine the first guy to say "There there" when consoling someone
And we all have that one friend who has more blonde moments than an actual blonde.
I have been snoring a lot lately and apparently my coworkers find it distracting
Folding laundry with a toddler is like trying to straighten a desk full of papers while a fan blows on it.
They say you need about 2000 calories a day. Ok, time to do math. 65 calories in one fluid ounce of Jack Daniel`s means i need 30 shots tonight.
There are other things in life besides sex and alcohol. Those other things all suck, but they do exist, I assume.
Anyone else has a plastic bag at home full of plastic bags?
Well, it`s almost the end of the year. No point in trying to become a good person this late in the game.
It`s hard to look like a bad-ass when you`re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
If it wasn`t for pizza delivery, you wouldn`t see me shoveling a walkway.
Best thing to do when you`re stuck in a group text is to to throw your phone in the street and start a new life and maybe get some chipotle
If women ran the world we wouldn’t have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
It’s like I was put on this earth so unstable people have somebody to date.
The correct term for gluten-free, sugarless, vegan brownies is "compost."
I like it when everyone posts on Facebook what they are cooking for diner...it makes my decision on who to drop in on so much easier.