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My wife said she expects the house to be clean by the time she walks in the door so I changed all of the locks.
I force my dog to watch animal abuse commercials just to show him how good he has it.
Please rephrase your question in the form of a compliment.
I hate it when you follow your dreams and wind up in a dumpster in the back ally of an IHOP.
I`m surprised more killers haven`t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
If my fridge had glass doors I would still stand there and hold the door open.
Give a man a fish & he`ll eat for a day. Give a man a jelly fish and you can pee on him.
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes that reason is that you`re stupid and make bad decisions.
You know it`s getting bad when the voices in your head start texting you
If Reincarnation ends up being real... Those People who got "YOLO" tattoos are going to look... Pretty Silly
My favorite exercise is somewhere between a lunge and a crunch. It`s called lunch.
Life is basically just a constant effort to not be disgusting.
We should be thanking our Dads for bringing us into the world, not our Moms. She probably wasn`t in the mood...
My horoscope says I will meet the woman of my dreams today. Not sure how my wife will take the news but I`m pretty damn excited.