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I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine`s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
"That`s crazy" is the perfect response when you haven`t been listening.
I should run for political office just to see what kind of scandalous dirt they dig up. It would be nice to piece together my twenties.
18 is TOO young to get married! You can`t even buy booze at 18! If you can`t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
Now I lay me down to sleep, a bottle of vodka at my feet, if I should die before I wake, tell my friends I drank it straight.
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy, if you put it in your stomach first.
If you love something, set it free. Maybe not sharks though. Or bees. Viruses. Lots of stuff really. Look, the point is don’t love anything.
You know you’re ugly when it comes to a group picture and they hand you the camera.
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
Thought for the day : Why was the cat in the bag in the first place?
I`m not leaving here without some kind of balloon.
Good job on the speed traps, cops – How are the murderer traps coming along?
Don`t call me names, you don`t know enough words to describe me
People should have to pass an IQ test to use the self-checkout section.
The wife has been missing a week now, police said to prepare for the worst, so I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.