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I love tan lines... it`s like God came down and high-lighted all the good parts... ;-)
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
Please rephrase your question in the form of a compliment.
People don`t want the ugly truth, they would prefer a beautiful lie.
Where did Noah keep his bees? ... In the ark hives ... Yes, I`m showing myself out, thanks
I gave up on humanity when I picked up this girl`s phone and saw that my number was saved as Free Food.
Only in math problems can you buy 60 cantaloupes and nobody asks what the hell is wrong with you.
Mothers never really understand the irony of calling their children "come here you son of a bitch"
My head says go to the gym. My heart says food.
My dog acts like her entire family was murdered by a vacuum cleaner.
You know what`s beautiful? Read the first word again.
Respect your parents, they pay for your internet.
Who needs Halloween decorations when I can just put up my selfies?
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. -Me with beer, me without beer
The phrase "the truth shall set you free" does not apply to murder.