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I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
Alcohol won’t solve your problems, but neither does milk or orange juice.
You never know a person until you walk in their shoes, or until you check their browser history.
These ramen noodles taste like payday is next Friday.
Sometimes I miss being in a relationship, but then I look at my wallet and I feel alright again.
I`m pretty sure the whole "ladies first" thing was created by a guy just to check out girls butts.
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
The worst thing that can happen when you invite someone over to "watch a movie" is actually watching a movie.
Presidents’ Day is just another made up holiday to sell more presidents
Ladies, Admit it. Sometimes you look down at your own boobs and think "Wow, these are Awesome!"
is without a doubt, the most popular and best looking person using this laptop.
Every morning I swallow a piece of paper that says "Keep up the good work fellas!!" just in case I die and the doctors have to do an autopsy on me
I`m trying to lose weight by eating carrots and bran muffins. It`s a fiber-optics diet.
My dad use to take me to the circus to see the clowns, freakshows and the bearded lady. Now... I can see them anytime shopping at Walmart.
Once my ex knocked on my door & then shouted that it was her, so I texted “im not home” then seconds later I texted “if u happen to be here”