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To all the waiters out there: we don`t get impressed when you try to memorize our orders, we just get nervous.
Dear children, when you look under your bed, what exactly are you planning to do when you find me? Sincerely, The Monster.
She might be ugly now, but wait a few more drinks.
I sent one of those swabs off for DNA sampling. Apparently, I`m 50% Crest, 25% Denture fixative, 13% kebab, and 12% Rum.
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
Why is it when you go to get your drivers license photo, they tell you to smile. Your not smiling when the police pull you over.
Cooking Tip: If you`re tired of always having to boil water everytime you make pasta, boil a few gallons at the beginning of the week and freeze it for later ... you`re welcome!
I can sum up my life in three words: “just browsing, thanks.”
I`m always on the verge of running three miles, or drinking a bottle of Vodka
I told my girlfriend I`m Harry Potter`s Godfather... She laughed hard and said "you can`t be Sirius"
Haters gunna hate,potatoes gunna patate!!
Noise cancelling toilets should be a thing.
If you don`t remember her name in the morning, take her to Starbucks.
I live in fear of finding hidden cameras in my house & not being able to explain why I do all those random karate kicks directed at no one.
…and for my next trick, I will pull this dryer sheet out of my sleeve!