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Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
Music is best when it’s louder than I can think.
I always close my eyes when I kiss a woman. Experience tells me that if my eyes are open, I get a lot more pepper spray in them.
Apparently "Fat Tuesday" doesn´t constitue telling fatties they´re fatties.
Dear American Express, can you raise my debt ceiling?? Thx, bro.
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
Everytime I find the key to happiness, somebody changes the lock.
What if God is a woman. Not only will I be going to Hell, but I`ll never hear the end of it.
If animals spoke our language we`d be in their debt because they`d have some seriously incriminating dirt on all of us.
I just went into an AOL chat room to ask someone how to start a fire with sticks.
If you need some help at Home Depot and are being ignored, get on one of their step ladders.
I found that 99% of the time, when I`m not listening, just saying "that`s some bullshi*t" makes them happy.
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
Whenever you can`t think of anything to say in therapy just go with, "I`ve been thinking about killing you."
I wonder if Oscar the Grouch has a hipster cousin somewhere that lives in a recycling bin