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Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be "YOUR" blood.
First the Jerk cut me off in traffic, then stole my parking space, then his stupid car got paint all over my key!
I bet more people would call the Gambling Addicts Helpline if they made every 5th caller a winner.
My door is always open. So please feel free to leave.
Next time a stranger talks to me when I`m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper quietly...."You can see me???"
That awkward moment when the automatic flushing toilet goes off when you`re still sitting down.
Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are good is like expecting the bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian.
Was just thinking ā¦. What would the world be like if McDonalds delivered?
Is it wrong to use cheat codes for Wii Fit.
The reason I talk to myself is because Iām the only one whose answers make any f*cking sense.
I want the job of placing pepperoni slices on frozen pizzas, because clearly whoever has it is now has problems.
Give up, itsy-bitsy spider. It wasn`t meant to be.
why were you in my dreams again? i`m starting to think you`re stalking me.
Note to self: Asking the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your Facebook status in no way helps you get out of a DUI.
Today I heard a guy on the street say, `It`s chowder season, baby!` so I pushed him in front of a bus because those are awesome last words