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I had a really funny joke, but autocorrect ruined the lunchtime.
My whole life consists of wondering whether or not to make the sarcastic comment.
If you still pay for porn I just want you to know I have a butter churner and an abacus for sale.
The reason i connot lie is because i like big butts.
The best way to deal with dumb people is to never leave your house sober
I dont mind if you call me Crazy, but dont you dare call me stupid. Because to be this crazy some intelligence is definitely required.
You think your wife is crazy now? Try divorcing her
Girls are like parking spots all the good ones are taken and the rest are to far away
I think instead of doing laundry I`m just going to buy a second hamper...
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
"Wow! That Lean Cuisine really filled me up!" ... said no one, ever.
You don’t have to be drunk to love me, but it helps
I lost my ladder when I was very young but I was fortunate to have such a great step-ladder to raise me ...anytime I couldn`t reach anything
The first five days after the weekend are always the toughest.
Bad decisions make good stories.