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Hell hath no fury like me when I’m slightly inconvenienced and hungry.
What would I do if I won the lottery? Make Charlie Sheen look like an amateur.
My job blocked the Favstar website and I`m not sure if I should quit or take hostages. Haha! Jk. I`m totally taking hostages.
I like telling people to "grow up" because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say "Took my advice I see"
It`s too bad parallel lines never meet because they have so much in common.
What does envelope 1 of 3 on my credit card bill mean?
I really worry about which selfie my family would put on the news if I ever went missing.
I just assume that when a restaurant automatically adds 15% to the bill for a tip that the service is going to suck.
My mind says go to the gym but my heart says food.
The downside of dating intelligent women is having to Google what they call you when it ends badly
boss: why are you peeing on the floor? mikeski: i already filled up your coffee cup.
I`m starting to think I overuse exclamation points. It ends today. Right now. I`ll never ever use one again. I`m so excited about it. Yes.
Missing my childhood super-powers, when I could sleep on the couch and wake up in bed.
The sooner one of you ladies takes ‘one for the team’ and becomes my girlfriend, they sooner I leave the REST of you alone!
No, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.