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Strange new trend at the office. People putting names on food in the company fridge. Today I had a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
Honey, your haters are imaginary. No one wants to be you. I promise.
If you raise your children, you spoil your grandkids. If you spoil your children, you raise your grandkids.
Thank God! the women with 3 boobs was a hoax... I just couldn`t wrap my hands around it....
Never buy the first round cause that`s when people care what they`re drinking!
It takes one slow walking person in the grocery store, to remove the illusion that I`m a nice person.
I propose a toast to the booze for making life seem tolerable.
The secret to success is in my bra.
Just so you know, I am already planning on being an a$$hole tomorrow.
Saying something stupid and thinking “Yeah, that sounded way better in my head"
That awkward moment when you leave a store without buying anything and all you can think is "act natural, you`re innocent".
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says "and I didn`t brush my teeth, either."
Sorry I wore tear-away pants to your wedding. In my defense I really thought I had on underwear.
Apple is looking to expand its market share among Latinos. No word yet on the release date of their newest device, the iCaramba.
Most friends with benefits have such high deductibles that you`ll always be paying way too much out of pocket.