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Sometimes you have to burn a few bridges, to stop the weirdos from following you.
The grass may be greener on the other side but at least you dont have to mow it.
Last night we were in bed and I asked my wife "What would you like to do to my body more than anything else?" She said "Identify it."
How did the person who invented the first clock know what time it was?
“Knock him out.” – Mama
"What did you do today?" "I text messaged." :)
I`ve found the most effective way to get an attractive guy to fall for me is by simply using my charm... and then a stun gun.
Do these people in movies who wander off into the woods alone at night not watch movies?
In every organization there will always be one person who knows what is going on. That person must be fired.
Trust me , as you get to know me , i just get weirder.
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
Whenever I hear about a man jumping off a bridge I can`t help but wonder how long he was dating my ex.
Today I heard a guy on the street say, `It`s chowder season, baby!` so I pushed him in front of a bus because those are awesome last words
You call them ‘naps’ but I prefer to call them ‘alcohol-induced aftershocks`
Based on my reaction to toast popping out of a toaster, I’d like to recommend you never throw me a surprise party.