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When a bird hits your window have you ever wondered if God is playing angry birds with you?
You guys make Facebook worth it! Just kidding, we are all wasting our lives.
If I won the award for laziness, I would send somebody to pick it up for me.
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son`s love, I sometimes think to myself, "This may be the worst prize ever."
I`m surprised more killers haven`t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
Every parent’s superpower is the ability to communicate “I love you!” and “I will kill you!” with a single look.
I`m not everyone`s cup of tea ... I`d rather be someone`s shot of tequila away.
All I ask is that if we arm the teachers, that the librarians get silencers.
Why would anybody put 99 bottles of beer up on a wall in the first place?
"The more the merrier": My excuse for extra food.
My bed and I are in a good relationship, and my alarm clock is so0o jealous...
I hate it when people upload song lyrics as their status`s it reminds me of somebody i used to know
Depression is wanting to lay down and realizing that you are already laying down.
My coffee was so hot this morning it came along with an ugly friend.
I hate it when people tell me I look young for my age because it implies my age is old.