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Marry someone shorter than you so you can hide all the good snacks on the top shelf.
Sometimes you have to burn a few bridges, to stop the weirdos from following you.
How ignorant do I have to be before I start experiencing bliss?
I feel so stupid for cashing in my retirement account early. But then I always feel stupid using the Coinstar machine.
Getting over body issues is a like getting over a fear of heights. The trick is not to look down.
I bought a used UPS truck. It gets bad gas mileage but I can park anywhere.
Never cry over spilt milk. It could`ve been whiskey.
It makes sense that animals pee on something to mark their territory. I mean if someone peed on something, most people would be like, "Eww, okay. That`s yours now."
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It`s like they don`t know I plan on cropping them out later.
Amnesia sounds so relaxing.
Interviewer: "What did you like best about your last job?" Me: "Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake."
One of the best uses I`ve ever found for invisible ink is when I signed my marriage license with it.
My life is about as organized as the $5 DVD bin at Walmart.
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a sexy beast.
Just seen a homeless dude with a sign that said "too ugly to prostitute."