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When a guy texts a girl “hey stranger”, what he really means is “I’ve recently thought about trying to get in your pants again.”
I love tan lines... it`s like God came down and high-lighted all the good parts... ;-)
Jack Frost go away, come again another day. I need some sun, I need some sand, I need an island & a band. I`m bored with you & tired of the cold, so go away your getting old. Bring on the sun at one hundred degrees, some coconut oil & pina coladas please
Nothing is more comical than seeing someone tiptoe with cheeks clenched hastily en route to a washroom to do #2.
you know why maths is unhappy? because it got so many problems.
Hearing jokes is always 100 times funnier when you have water in your mouth.
The ski racks on my car say I’m fun, adventurous, and can’t figure out how to take the ski racks off my car.
My relationship is mostly me apologizing for saying something super bada$$ and hilarious
The only idea worse than New Coke was brown toilet paper...
If you still wear a Calculator watch, my guess is you don’t need it to add up all the ladies you get….
I was born at a very early age.
I`m not saying you`re stupid; you just have bad luck when it comes to thinking.
everyone has that one crazy person in there family...but in my case everyone is just as crazy as i am!XD
Sleep is just a symptom of caffeine deprivation.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.