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Did you guys know grammar police rhymes with humorless a$$hole?
Our parents always taught us NOT to write on walls... Facebook teaches us differently
I consider my body less of a temple and more of a ruin.
Thank God I still have 20 days to achieve my goal of "going to the gym in 2013."
So what if I`m single now ... I mean it can`t be that hard to boil toast, can it?
I just realized that when I murder someone my neighbors will describe me as "quiet"
Women are angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we continue to fly…on a broomstick. We’re flexible that way.
eHarmony matched me with a bean bag chair with duct tape on it
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Me: You’re the prettiest girl I’ve ever seen. Her: You just want to have sex with me. Me: And you’re smart too, I like that.
I`m always right. And when I`m not, I edit Wikipedia.
Growing up we were so poor. If I wasn`t a boy I would have had nothing to play with.
I used to like my neighbors until they changed the password to their wi-fi :)
Starting to think my wife might have a tumor. She`s had a headache for the past 15 years.
A movie ticket for a baby should cost at least $50.