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How many "zero likes" do you have to get on Facebook before you realize nobody gives a crap about you
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
Just ONCE, I`d like to look deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
My wife said I can definitely have a man cave, if that`s what I want to start calling the hall closet.
Coffee: fueling you for a job you can`t stand to support a life you never wanted. Tastes good though...
If someone hates you for no reason, give that motherf*cker a reason.
Sometimes I think these Kardashians are just doing stuff for the attention.
Speed bumps can turn into speed ramps depending on who`s car I`m borrowing.
I hope when the machines take over the world they start by fixing my cable.
A friend came over visibly shaken. He said he had just slept with his 3rd cousin. I told him, if it upsets you that much quit counting them.
Well I just finished up some spring cleaning. Holy crap, owning a Slinky can be such a hassle.
This is how my week goes: Mooooooooooooonday Tuuuuuuuuuuuuesday Weeeeeeeeeeednesday Thuuuuuuuuuuursday FridaySaturdaySunday.
What do 95% of men do after an orgasm? Delete their browser history.
Bad decisions make good stories.
You ever notice “q”, “p”, “b” and “d” is the same letter but with a different angle.