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If I like you, I’ll let you hold the TV remote when we watch TV. If I love you, I won’t take the batteries out of it beforehand.
I laid awake all night again worrying about why I’m always so tired.
People who say `expresso` instead of `espresso,` may I axe you to please stop? Thanx.
You know that you have eaten way too much junk food when you start actually craving something healthy.
Although the voices aren`t real, they have some pretty good ideas.
I wonder how long I`d be on hold if my call wasn`t important to them.
I dreamt I was you..I hated myself. Luckily I woke up..woah that was close.
Non alcoholic beer is like porn movie on a radio
I hate it when spiders just sit there acting like they pay rent.
It`s been rough today, right now I`m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
Being fat = Lowers your chance of getting kidnapped.
I got up this morning and think I saw my shadow. I´m going back to bed for six weeks.
I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.
You know you are getting old when a bunch of annoying teenagers get murdered in a horror movie and you relate more with the killer.
I will admit, my statuses sound a bit different when read aloud by the prosecuting attorney.