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Pizza is my favorite winter activity
Before I got married I didn`t even know there was a wrong way to put the milk back in the fridge
Chili for breakfast. Cause I hate my Co-workers.
I was just chatting with my cat about how being lonely can make a person crazy.
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
My online dating profile is just a picture of my ex-wife and the words "NOT THIS."
When your parties have glasses instead of red cups, you’re a grown up.
Money can’t buy you happiness? Well, poverty can’t buy you anything.
Well, just 8 more hours of Facebook and I can go back to bed. *phew*
My life is loosely based on a true story.
Does this couch I`m laying on make me look unmotivated?
If you can`t tell the difference between delivery and Digiorno then you`re a f***ing idiot.
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg: "The fat one won`t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?"
Anything is legal when there`s no police around
If 3 people have sex, it`s called a 3-some. If 2 people have sex, it`s called a 2-some. I guess we now know why they call you HAND-some.