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Who is this "Moderation" they keep telling me to drink with?
Do you ever bring your pet up to a mirror and you`re just like, "That is you."
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
How to live a happy life: 1)Do whatever you want 2)Don`t worry 3)Eat whatever you want 4)Don`t take advice from strangers on the internet
If you think your wife has a great sense of humor, try leaving a trail of rose petals leading to a sink full of dirty dishes. Not the best idea a man ever had ;)
I`m not crazy, I`m just special!!...No, wait...Maybe I am crazy. One second...I have to talk to myself about this, hold on...
Never send in a beer to do the work of a tequila shot.
Whenever I get a message that begins with “Hey Stranger” I know I’m about to be asked for a favor by someone I don’t want to help.
If you can`t celebrate Valentine`s Day with someone you love, forget about it at a bar that you like...
When I die I want Charlie Sheen’s life to flash before my eyes.
Instead of `What`s on your mind?` Facebook should say `Just relax on the couch and tell me all about your problems. Don`t worry, nobody will know`..
Why do they leave folding chairs so close to the wrestling ring? Shouldn’t the maintenance staff have learned their lesson by now?
I stop at random Jehovah`s Witness houses and drop off copies of Rolling Stone.
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
You´re just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you!