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They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that`s why I surround myself with lazy people
My favorite part of the day? The food part.
Me: "Why do all the people I love leave me?!" UPS Guy: "Please Mam, just sign"
Roses are red vilouts are blue your moms beautiful what happened to you!
Roughly 82% of my day is trying to decide what my next meal will be
The Walking Dead reminds you that other people would still be your biggest problem even if most of them died.
If every porkshop was perfect, we wouldn`t have hot dogs.
Just saw 2 homeless guys hitting eachother with cardboard... PILLOW FIGHT!
The only way I know if I`ve bought enough beer is if my car thinks I have a passenger
Why is it called mooning when you`re actually showing uranus?
Show me on the back of your mini van window where your life went wrong.
Taken names of employees from various stores and calling in sick for them, just to make it feel like I have a job. . .
All of those in favor of bitch slapping stupid people, say "I"
Setting the alarm clock proves I`m capable of making the same mistake every day.
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than "he sees how creepy u are, that`s why he doesn`t want to shake your hand".