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When I die, I don`t want to go sober...
Was the little pig who decided to built his house out of straw some sort of f***ing idiot?
+ if you wish you could record your dreams.
I’ve never been in love but I imagine it’s similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
I wish I drove a Volkswagen bug. It would be cool to know that every time I drove by a school bus, some kid was getting punched.
You know your old when your back goes out more than you do.
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there`s a home invasion the intruder will think I`m part of the team.
I dont pay for cabs if I’m too drunk to drive. I find the nearest Dominos, order a pizza delivery to my house & ask for a ride home with it.
I do love you for your mind, I just like your mind a lot more when you’re naked.
I can`t believe that it`s the year 2012, and I still have to bend down to pick stuff up.
If you have a parrot and you don’t teach it to say,”Help, they’ve turned me into a parrot”, you are wasting everybody’s time.
Have you ever listened to somebody speak and wonder who ties their shoelaces for them?
Thought I saw a kangaroo today but turned out to be a greyhound having a dump !
Young enough to know I can. Old enough to know I shouldn`t. Stupid enough to do it anyway.
Hoping to get "till death do us part" reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.