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Just tried to pay for my McDonalds with a hug, it didn`t work. Don`t believe the rumors.
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.” If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
Tonight’s forecast. Mostly drunk with a slight chance of passing out.
If I could just make one thing very clear at this point ... I would.
If you don’t feel just a little bit of shame after the weekend… you’re not doing it right.
What if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs?
It’s what’s on the inside that counts, unless you’re talking about one of those hollow chocolate bunnies.
I’d drink a lot less alcohol if a lot less alcohol got me drunk.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth … and drink all the vodka inside … It seems to help
The little piggy who went to market... wasn`t going shopping. Wrap your mind around that for a moment.
The only thing Facebook has ever done for me is make me realize a lot of my friends are idiots.
"Nothing there? Better bark at it." - my dog
After watching "Breaking Bad" and the VMAs in the same night, I think I`d rather my kid be a meth dealer than a musician.
I`m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
Wouldn’t it be a smart idea? To make the sticky part on envelopes taste like chocolate?