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I smile when I`m having dirty thoughts :)
ah Saturday, where it`s socially acceptable to drink in the morning. ;)
Well today I turned 26, not because I wanted to, but only because Facebook limits how many times you can actually change your birth year !
I saw the most beautiful painting at the store the other day … but then I realized it was a mirror.
Relax, you’re not paranoid at all. Everyone is talking about you.
finally joined craigs list. who wants to see my junk?
Women seem to want security. At least that`s what they yell whenever I approach them.
Success is like pregnancy, everyone congratulates you but no one knows how many times you`ve been screwed to get there.
When people ask for my advice, I advise them not to take my advice. That really screws them up.
Today my role will be played by an overworked, under caffeinated, sarcastic, unstable, asshole. Consider this my disclaimer for the day.
Mark my words: In a year, the leading cause of death will be “Beaten to death with a selfie stick”
Sometimes, when I wake up in the morning, I`ll read 4 or 5 status updates and I`ll cry, because I relieze how dysfunctional some of my friends life`s are. but then I`ll smile when I remember things like the leftover pizza from last night sitting on the coffee table!
I always read my girlfriend’s horoscope to see what kind of day I`m going to have.
Been reading up on the thesaurus lately because a mind is a terrible thing to garbage.
Typical: you have nothing to wear for a party and suddenly the rabbits, the birds and the mice begin to sew you a dress