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Stop everything you’re doing. Think about me. You’re welcome.
And that`s when I realized, it wasn`t the hamburger who needed help, it was me
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Just belted the dog in the drivers seat and pushed the car up to the drive-thru window
Yes it may sound childish but if it glows in the dark I still get freaking exited.
Flight to Vegas...guy in front of me has a bouquet made up of dollar bills. Pro Tip: That stripper will never marry you bro.
If love is blind....why is lingerie so popular?
Pokémon means a totally different thing if your stuck in a Jamaican prison.
Smith & Wesson: The original point and click interface.
If I had to describe myself with one word it would be "Doesn`t understand directions".
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
I thought there was a spider on the rug, but it was just some yarn. It’s dead yarn now, though.
All I`m saying is there`s a reason all the best love songs have the word crazy in them.
I have learned from watching crime dramas on tv when the good guys yell "Federal Agents" at the bad guys, the bad guy always runs. Wouldn`t it be smarter to yell "Prize Patrol" if you really want to catch a bad guy?
ATM`s need to have breathalyzers.