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A human fart can be louder than a trombone. I discovered that at my daughter`s school concert.
"I woke up with morning wood. She woke up with morning wouldn`t."
Shhh...you had me at "alcohol may intensify effect..."
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
It`s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
I would eat a lot more healthy food if it required no preparation or stayed fresh as long as junk food.
Can only please one person a day. Today isn’t your day
Sometimes I just wish people were as easy to forget as PIN numbers.
You know you`re non-domesticated when the only reason you finally transfer the dishes from the sink to the dishwasher is so you can gain access to the garbage disposal.
Hope you get down and funky on this the day of your birth!!
When non-smokers come to My house....I ask them to stand outside while I have a smoke
We’ll be friends until we’re old and senile. Then we’ll be new friends all over again.
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
Meanwhile on Facebook someone has made a casserole....
How about this for lazy: I`m letting the NSA take all my selfies for me.