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What´s the difference between light and hard? You can go to bed with a light on.
I don’t just say crazy things on the internet, I do that in real life too.
Facebook Stalker! If you just felt a sudden twinge of guilt then yes I`m talking about you.
Stumbled into bed late last night. "You`re drunk," she said. "AND, you live next door."
The last time I got drunk I married Satan..I`m not doing either one again
Don’t piss off old people. The older they get, the less ‘life in prison’ is a deterrent.
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with.
Anyone else sit on the toilet and play with their phone until you realized you have been finished 10 minutes ago?
“Don’t make me regret this.” -things I think when accepting a friend request.
A word to the wise ain`t necessary - it`s the stupid ones that need the advice!
Porn is a lot like yoga pants. Not everybody should be in them.
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
I`m a big advocate of the `You started it` method of defense in an argument.
50 years ago you had to get really f*cking drunk to drop your phone in a urinal.
Have you ever loved someone so much, you wanted to keep them hidden from the world and all to yourself? Well, apparently its called kidnapping