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And, yet another day I’ve gone without using calculus.
Every time I`m about to win an argument with my wife someone wakes me up.
When people ask me what I`m going to be on Halloween, the answer is always the same: really drunk
The best moments in life are simple… you know like when you sit down and get comfy and the remote is magically next to you.
Your personality needs alcohol.
I just awesomed all over the place.
There could be a ghost aggressively breakdancing next to you right now, and you`d have no Idea...
If anybody asks, I was on Facebook all night tonight, okay? Thanks for having my back, everyone.
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
Pinatas are a great way to teach children that if you repeatedly beat something with a stick, eventually you`ll get what you want.
In grade school it’s called bullying but when you get older it’s referred to as upper level management.
The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.
Whoever determined that a 1-inch candy bar should be called " fun size" should really re-evaluate their stanards of entertainment.
It`s amazing what you can accomplish when you do stuff.
I can see your camouflage pants, so they`re not working.