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I don`t need glasses ... I drink straight from the bottle.
Unlike milk, it is perfectly ok to cry over spilled whiskey.
I just want to find someone who will love me for exactly who I am pretending to be.
I don`t know if getting everything I want would make me happy, but the opposite is not working at all.
I`m not saying that I`ve been online too long, I`m just saying that when I close my eyes I scroll through my thoughts
I don`t lift so maybe I`m wrong about this, but I feel like Popeye might be focusing on his forearms too much.
Don`t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Is anyone else`s alcohol tolerance too high for their paycheck?
I don’t have time for the nervous breakdown I deserve.
Today was about as much fun as a warm toilet seat in a public restroom!
There’s a police helicopter above my house right now, so I’m cashing in and calling everyone who has ever said “when pigs fly.”
Thinking " What would happen if the whole world farted at once and a person lit a lighter?"
Remember before we met? I miss those days.
An empty fridge is a sad fridge.
What was that idiot thinking when he invented white underwear?