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I always keep a google search for "how to find anyone, anywhere, and kill them" open on my phone in case anyone steals it.
Girls are too sensitive. She said she was having twins and I said, "At least you`ll finally have 2 kids by the same father."
You know what`s really great about being a narcissist? Me.
I don`t know about you . But everytime I go on Twitter , I get this weird feeling , I am being followed.
If I had to describe myself in one word it would be “doesn’t know how to follow directions.”
This weekends forecast shows a 0% chance of cooking or cleaning, with a good chance of laying around in my pajamas.
I don`t like country music, but I don`t mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means `put down`.
Sorry, I didn`t get your text...Just kidding, I ignored that sh!t.
Bars are Weird Its the only Business that kicks you out for buying TOO much of their Product
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities"
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
Monday: A terrible way to spend 1/7 of your life.
YouTube is so addicting, I click on a music video and next thing you know I`m watching how to make ice cream.
Nice try, Henry Winkler, but I’m not inclined to take mortgage advice from a guy who lived above the Cunningham’s garage for like ten years.
Don`t sell yourself short, in fact, don`t sell yourself at all. I`m pretty sure it`s illegal