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It`s getting warm out. I can finally get back to smacking people and blaming it on mosquitos!
My ex is living proof as to how stupid I can be.
Edward Scissorhands will never win a game of rock, paper, scissors.
It`s like my kids don`t even believe how cool I was in the 80s.
There are a few people I`d like to go to bed with but I can`t think of a single person I`d like to wake up with.
Never believe a person who claims is telling the truth while holding a pack of beers in both their hands
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief.
lifes like a box of chocolates, never know whatcha gonna get (:
Don’t judge me for things I did a few seconds ago, I’ve changed since then.
People really need to get with the times. Smartphones are not for talking anymore.
Good job on the speed traps, cops – How are the murderer traps coming along?
DAMN IT!!!!! I just ripped the tag off one of my Beanie Babies! Now it`s worthless!!
Hate it when I feel my phone vibrate in my pocket and it’s not even in there.
My Status updates are so great people hit the like button twice
If you love something, set it free. Maybe not dogs with rabies though. Or killer bees or pretty much any domesticated animal into the wild. Lots of stuff really. Look, the point is don`t love anything.