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I don`t know what`s more awkward, answering Dora, or sitting in silence while she stares at you.
I went to the bank and said I`d like to open a joint account. They said "With who?" I said "Anyone who has a lot of money!"
What can I do today that is only going to happen once in a blue moon?
You have got to have worse hand-eye coordination than a lama on crack
Home is where you can say anything you want, because nobody listens to you anyway.
It’s hard to trust humans; even the blind prefer to be guided by dogs.
I bought a Tempurpedic mattress just so that I’d have an excuse to go to sleep with a giant glass of wine every night.
University; It`s like being unemployed, but your parents are proud of you.
The fact that Google autocompletes all of my questions just reaffirms how unoriginal all my problems are.
My therapist says I`m a clueless, un-observant trainwreck. Which is weird because up until this moment, I never even knew he was a therapist.
People who over-exaggerate make me so mad that I just want to light everyone on fire.
"Estimated Time of Arrival" on the GPS. Challenge accepted!
The "Beware of Cat" sign posted outside my house doesn`t seem to be having the desired affect.
President Donald Trump will sign an executive order tomorrow to bring back Pluto as a planet. Make the universe GREAT again.