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My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
That`s not chapstick in my front pocket.
Chuck Norris doesn`t flush the toilet...he just scare the sh!t out of it.
I bought my Ex a chair ... But the state won`t let me plug it in.
Do you think people in Mexico ever say, "Those jobs keep stealing all our Mexic?ns!"
I watched the deleted scenes from a porno last night. Turns out he ended up fixing the washing machine after all.
I hate that part of the morning where I have to get out of bed and participate in real life.
I hate it when people hate me without even giving me a chance to give them a good reason to.
Please no one tell me what happens on the NFL today; I`m still on Season 8.
I wonder if anyone has watched Storage Wars and said, "Hey, that`s my stuff!"?
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don`t have to shovel snow this weekend.
Iām not going to vacuum until Sears makes one you can ride on.
Mondays feel like biting into a chocolate chip cookie only to find out it`s oatmeal raisin.
Porn is a lot like yoga pants. Not everybody should be in them.
Don`t be sad if you didn`t get a Valentine`s Day gift, lt`s not the end of the world. That`s still ten months away.