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I found a bottle of vodka under my bed, skittles under my pillow, & boxes of noodles in my closet. I`m like a fcuking alcoholic squirrel.
I think pet shops should give a free laser pointer with every Cat purchase.
Gonna start a new job tomorow at a archaelogical site, I know I`m gonna dig it.
Hey Journey, I stopped believing. What now?
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
You are the reason why I bite the heads off teddy grams.
Apparently my socks never remember “The Buddy System” whenever I wash them.
Some people are like eye-candy... I`m more like eye-meatloaf.
My Life Alert bracelet says.....: I`m Just Napping
Nobody pissed me off today... I got to get out more.
“Screw it” – My final thought before making most decisions.
I always say, your laundry is never completely done, unless you do it in the nude. Which probably explains the strange looks at the laundrymat this afternoon.
C`mon Netflix, we both know I`m watching the next episode. Just go ahead and start it.
I threw a shotgun shell at my daughter`s date. ..then I told him it`s much faster after 11pm
“I’m going to be a little bit late” -people that are going to be very late