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Collecting my thoughts… I almost have a whole set! ;)
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
Never confuse the words "venom" and "poison". Venom is injected into blood by an animal. Poison is injected into food by a woman.
Sometimes I think if it weren`t for the gutter my mind would be homeless...
Attention idiots: as you continue to read something clearly addressed to idiots. Idiot.
I removed my windshield wipers and now I don`t get parking tickets. Suck it meter maids!
When my friends ask me to babysit, I ask if the kid is a "mean drunk" or a "happy drunk." Gets me out of it every time.
Every morning I check my girlfriends horoscope to see what kind of day I`m going to have.
Swans mate for life...in case you were wondering what made them so mean.
My husband told me that in some cultures women do all the housework, so I told him in some cultures blow jobs don`t exist. He`s vacuuming
When I die, I want a cellphone in my coffin...just in case
I like to refer to myself as a "Second-hand Vegetarian". Animals eat grass. I eat animals.
Didn`t think my day could get any better but my robe has pockets so boom, there you go.
When reality kicks in… add more booze.
Why do we feel safe under blankets? It’s not like a murderer will come in thinking “I’m gonna ki..-ahhh. Damn, he’s under a blanket.”