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scream outloud and really fast "I won a math debate"
Did you ever notice that the doctor’s bill is always a lot more readable than the doctor’s prescription?
Could you guys just scroll a little? I was really funny yesterday.
Sometimes the best helping hand you can give is a good, firm push
Unless you discovered a dead body, I don`t want to hear about your morning jog.
I`m not really much of a plumber, but I have laid some pipe before.
That awkward moment when you gently toss your phone on the bed and it bounces off 3 walls, breaks 2 lamps and kills a cat...
If I owned an auto collision shop, I’d name it “Auto Correct.”
If kids are so wonderful why do you have to pay people to watch them?
My favorite holiday spirit is poured over ice.
A recent report shows that people who smoke weed get into 85% fewer car crashes than drunk people. Obviously. It`s a lot easier to see what`s coming when you`re only driving at eleven miles an hour.
Who`s more foolish, a fool or the person who takes a fool`s advice?
To be clever can be difficult without caffiene.
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don`t even remember what he did anymore.
Of course women have cleaner minds than men. They change them so damn often.