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We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
I sent one of those swabs off for DNA sampling. Apparently, I`m 50% Crest, 25% Denture fixative, 13% kebab, and 12% Rum.
WARNING:: going to bed on Sunday will cause Monday.
I bet the hardest part of working the poison control hotline is not finishing your sentences with "...you ignorant dumbass"
A Waist Is A Terrible Thing To Mind
I`m just going to put an "Out of Order" sticker on my forehead and call it a day.
Relax, you’re not paranoid at all. Everyone is talking about you.
I`m going to start looking for the good in all people I meet this year. Except for the a$$holes.
Did the Baha Men ever find their dogs? Did they put up posters or just sing that song?
You can always tell a lot about a woman the way she pours gasoline around your car.
On the bottle of mouthwash it says "24 hour protection", so why do the directions say "Use Twice Daily"?
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says "cheers" so.... no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
Are oranges named orange because they’re orange or is orange called orange because oranges are orange?
I`m starting to wish I were a werewolf so I`d have a better reason for waking up nude in public with no memory of how I got there.
iTunes got it all wrong, the hottest single of the year is me.