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So what was the best thing before sliced bread?
“Nevermind.” Translation: You should’ve listened the first time.
Sometimes I like to go to the hardware store and run around with a screwdriver shouting, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is not a drill!"
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
One would have to assume that Amish chicks carve their own sex toys.
Reverse Psychology: DO not STALK MY FB PAGE. YOU ARE not OBSESSED WITH ME...
When I procrastinate, current me really expects a lot out of future me.
People who have more than 10 items in the express line… We see you and we are judging you.
When I say I like to travel, I really just mean I like to get drunk in different places.
Happy Fourth of July!! Or as the rest of the world likes to call it, Friday.
Current relationship status: Leaving pizza and beer in the bushes, to lure in stalkers.
What do you call an alligator wearing a vest? An investigator. Hahaha I’m so sorry. No I’m not.
I hope this coffee gives me the energy to look busy all day.
Cocaine dealers are always trying to stick their business in other people`s noses.
My girlfriend says I need to grow up. I think she`s just angry I didn`t give her the password to my pillow fort.