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You call the shots. I`ll drink them.
Condom slogan: Wrap it in latex or she`ll get your paychecks.
Stretch marks? You mean sick a$$ lightning tattoos.
My local hairdresser just got arrested for selling drugs. Unbelievable! I`ve been her customer for 10 years and had no clue she was a hairdresser!
If you ever hear me say that I missed you it`s only because I have bad aim.
I think God created marriage so death wouldn`t come as such a disappointment.
Fact: No woman has ever shot a man while he is doing the dishes!
A hot woman telling me about her boyfriend is like setting money on fire in front of a homeless person.
Well I just finished up some spring cleaning. Holy crap, owning a Slinky can be such a hassle.
Is Nudeism a religion?
"No! Don`t leave me! I need you! Nooooo!" I say as my laptop cords slowly slides off my bed onto the floor.
Be the type of gentleman that holds the door open for your girl, but smacks her ass as she walks in.
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they`ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
I`m not real excited that the wrapping on my toilet paper said `100% Recycled`.