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I bought a blowup doll today, but I won`t blow her up until tomorrow. I don`t want to seem desperate.
My father was never proud of me. One day he asked me, "How old are you?" I said, "I`m five." He said, "When I was your age I was six."
I just got kicked out of the Zoo! How was I supposed to know that real hippos don`t actually eat marbles?
Scientists discover that caterpillars can whistle. Am I the only one wondering if they`re concentrating their efforts on the wrong things?
My inflatable girlfriend always looks surprised when I walk into the room.
When I`m on my death bed, I want my last words to be...."I left 10 million dollars in the..........."
Texts from mom: Thanks to the supreme court, now it`s not just women who won`t marry you.
Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are good is like expecting the bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian.
Do you think Santa regrets giving all those bad kids coal now that global warming is threatening his home?
I think I might be bisexual. Because last night I had sex by myself.
Hey baby, wanna come to myspace and twitter my yahoo `till i google all over your facebook?
UFC is 10% fighting, and 90% advertising the next fight
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes the reason is that you’re ignorant and make bad decisions.
Bananas are the strippers of the fruit world.
Apparently the ``All you can eat buffet`` isn`t a challenge ...