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My TV volume is always set at "f*ck the neighbors".
I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters.. do they just give you a bra and say, "here fill this out"..?
I never make stupid mistakes ... only very clever ones
I`m a bitch ... What`s your excuse?
There should be a day in between Saturday and Sunday.
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night ... From the dryer
I read an actual newspaper today! For those of you who don`t understand, a newspaper is like the Internet but made of paper.
I love how when your watching a crime show and they have to tell you that "this is a reenactment" oh really? you mean you didn`t actually catch the murder on video?
When someone asks if you lost weight, the correct response is always, "no, it just seems like it to you because you got fatter."
Sunday morning = lazy lay in my bed and fart under my sheets all day :)
No matter what life brings you, always take a lesson from your dog.. Kick some grass over that s**t and move on.
I wish I had the balls to be a juggler.
I don`t know why I think I could survive the Zombie Apocalypse, I cant even handle the puff of air at the eye doctor.
I only say "bless you" twice. If you sneeze a third time I assume it didn`t take and you`re a demon who must be destroyed.
I`m so poor I went to the ducks today to beg for bread...