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I only say “bless you” twice. If you sneeze a third time I assume you cant be blessed and you’re a demon who must be destroyed.
I’m starting to think plates are called china because most of them look the same.
Boss: Are you high? Me: You and I both know that I don`t make enough money to have a drug habit.
Everyday I’m shoveling. – Winter 2014
I hate wasting alcohol on social occasions.
Sex ed class should be listening to a baby cry for 5 hours while watching the same cartoon on repeat.
Alcohol is never the answer. Unless someone asked me, "What are you doing this weekend?"
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
Hate cleaning my floors...how fast would I go to hell if I got a blind roommate and replaced his cane with a swiffer?
Last person to like this wins a prize.
I got in touch with my inner child and the little sh!t hung up on me.
When I said I like it rough I was talking about the sex, not the whole entire relationship...
I broke a mirror now I`m looking at 7 years bad luck... but my lawyer thinks he can get me off with 3
I made the mistake of asking Siri what women want....she has been talking non-stop for the last 3 days.
My "Kiss me, I`m Irish" shirt only seems to be working on my dog.