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When I said make yourself at home, I meant go wash my dishes.
My hand is stuck in a Pringles can. I`ll just leave it there. I`m not hiding who I am anymore.
You can tell yourself that Sesame Street is educational but Cookie Monster has lived there for like 40 years and still can`t conjugate verbs.
Somedays I feel like running away. Then I remember how much I hate running.
Imagine this: You`re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers `Bless you` and hangs up.
Home is where you can say anything you want, because nobody listens to you anyway.
Whenever I weigh myself, I always subtract 10 pounds. I don`t think boobs, brains, and an ass this fabulous should count against me.
My level of sarcasm is to a point where I don’t even know if I’m kidding or not.
I`m available if anyone needs me to ruin a good thing before it even starts.
Why do people have to get ready for bed? I’m always ready for bed
The pollen is so bad this year that the trailer park people are changing crystal meth back into Sudafed.
The statement `Hey! Calm down!` has a zero to no success rate of getting someone to calm down
I will never repeat filthy rumors. So listen closely the first time.
I feel like I`ve passed my "Best If Used By date."
I`m just like you ... Only smarter and better looking.