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You can tell a guy has a woman in his life when he remembers to do stuff like put on deodorant and wipe his butt most of the time!
My mom never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, "Who murdered this guy with a pipe?"
Never , under any circumstances , take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. O_o
If history repeats itself, I´m totally getting a dinosaur.
When I`m in a bathroom stall, please don`t yell "Oh my God oh my God there`s a guy in here!" Respect my privacy.
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there`s a home invasion the intruder will think I`m part of the team.
My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember all the things I was suppose to do.
You mellennials and your obsession with public healthcare, back in my day we just died!
A procrastinator’s work is never done.
It seems like the ‘L’ in my luck has been replaced with an ‘F’.
Everyone loved Jack-in-the-box as kids. Now I`m older, I like mine in the bottle
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I`d go on a road trip with my mom.
Sometimes I do totally awesome and amazing things just to throw people off.
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I`m bored of paying for things
If Wal-Mart ends up selling mortgages, the trailer market will explode.