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Alcohol: Because no great story ever started with someone eating salad.
My fitness goal is to weigh what I told the DMV I weigh.
Pizza gal reads my order back to me and says,"You have one large thick sausage, anything else?" With a smirk I reply,"Yes, I`d also like to order a pizza."
Give a fish something for once for f*cks sake
Pro tip: Do not make snow angels in a dog park.
There`s always cake to celebrate happy moments, but I really think cake would do better during the bad times. Got fired? Have a cake.
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
Was wondering...when you have a mandatory meeting at work, why do the presenters always thank you for being there?
There’s no worse feeling than realizing your wife has fallen asleep & you’ve spent the last 20 minutes watching Real Housewives by yourself.
I saw my ex girlfriend broken down with two flat tires this morning which made me late for work... Nine times I drove past before she noticed me laughing at her.
Today is National animals day, please take a moment to remember your ex :p:p:p.
I like dressing in a red polo shirt then going to Target & being rude to costumers
Damn girl, are you a Snickers bar because you`re so sweet and satisfying and surprisingly hard and hold on, are those nuts?
Honestly, I have no idea what I would even do with 5 hours of energy.
If only there was a way to voice a highly uneducated opinion to thousands of people on a regular basis