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I`ve had like 10 red bulls, so of course I`m vacuuming the front yard.
Whenever someone tries to get too friendly with me, I like to call them by the wrong name to remind them of where we stand.
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
If I`ve learned anything from 50 Shades of Grey, its that women still haven`t figured out you can watch porn at home... for free.
Tip of the day: When there’s a will…find a way to be in it!
Bless me Father for I hit send.
I took out an ad for a girlfriend recently and 10 guys tried to give me theirs.
A shark will only attack you if you’re wet.
If a man says you’re ugly he’s being mean. If a woman says you’re ugly she’s envious. If a little kid says you’re ugly, you’re ugly.
That awkward moment when u start telling a story only to realise no one is listening so you slowly fade out and pretend to have said nothing.
Whenever somebody said they did something "Like a Boss" I assume that they did nothing but took all the credit for it.
"This is groundbreaking stuff." - Inventor of the shovel
How many servings of fruit are in a fruit roll up? I`m trying to take my diet seriously now.
Why is it Donald Duck never wore pants but always had a towel wrapped around his waist when he got out of the shower?
Paperclips: The staple for people with commitment issues.