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It`s Thanksgiving. Don`t forget to set your scale back 25 lbs
People of planet Earth, thank your gods that I`m not in charge of the red button.
SINGLE GUYS: Nervous about flirting with a woman? Just remember: they`re smart, confident, and aware they don`t need us, so yeah, you should be worried.
Talked to someone in person today....what a pain in the a$$ that was!
Scientists uncovered the part of the male brain responsible for pissing off women. It’s next to the part that knows how much roses cost.
You`ve really got to hand it to short people, because sometimes they often can`t reach it.
I love a room with a fire place it sets the tone for a romantic night, drinking wine slow dancing, burning evidence.
Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always write: ‘last warning, you have a week to get the money together.’
The last time I saw something as ugly as your face I pinned a tail on it.
My neighbour has diabetes and now she won`t make me cupcakes anymore, its like bad things always happen to me.
I can tell how productive I was at work by how much battery my cell phone has left when I leave.
99.9% of lol’s are lies.
A blind man walks into a bar....and a stool....and a table....
Tip to reduce weight, first turn your head to the left and then turn it to the right. Repeat this exercise every time you are offered something to eat.
Kids teach you so many life lessons. Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.