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How easily you’re offended is directly proportional to how dumb you are.
Age sure does change your perspective. Lots of things I hated when I was a kid I love now... like having nothing to do, going to bed early, watching the news, spankings.... stuff like that.
Stumbled into bed late last night. "You`re drunk," she said. "Also, you live next door."
Whenever a little kid asks me to push him on the swing I remind him there are children his age in China making iPhones.
Welcome to WebMD. Type quickly, you don`t have long.
One day on Mercury lasts about 1,400 hours. Roughly the same as one Monday on earth feels.
Can everyone come to my funeral in FBI outfits, stand at the back & not say a word to my parents so they think I lived a cool double life.
My best childhood memory was falling asleep on the couch and waking up in bed…. I miss teleporting. It never happens to me anymore.
I do my best proofreading after I hit send.
I will be good today... I will be good today... I will be good today... Yeah.... I didn`t believe it either..
Warning: forgetting what pocket your keys are in may result in the Macarena.
You know you drank too much if you have to wait until your court appearance to find out what the hell happened that night
If you slept with my husband I`d be like "OMG how much do I owe you?"
I just heard a woodpecker call me a `paranoid old weirdo` in morse code.
A lot of woman turn into good drivers. So if you`re a good driver, beware of women drivers when their making a turn.