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Please ignore this post, I`m pretending to be adding a coworker`s phone number.
I downloaded this app called "Hide & Go Seek". Ever since then I cant find my damn phone.
Peyton Manning saw his shadow this morning...that means six more weeks of bad Papa Johns commercials.
I just leased a 2013 lamborghini, no payments till January. Those f@kin Mayans better be right.
Dear shaving commercials, stop shaving hairless legs. If you want impress us, please shave a gorilla.
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
Just quit my job so I can spend more quality time giving out candy crush extra lives.
times new roman walks into a bar. "sorry, we don`t serve your type."
My grandma told me her joints are getting weaker, so I told her to roll them tighter.
I sure do feel a lot more attractive at Walmart than I do at the gym.
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn`t work any better.
Before coffee: Hates everybody. After coffee: Feels good about hating everybody.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she`ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
Don`t talk about yourself so much... we`ll do that when you leave.
I`m tired of being the better person. One day I`d like to be the b!tch they claim I am.