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A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
Of course size matters. No one wants a small pizza
It`s annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there`s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
I log off because I`m bord... I log on 5min later because I`m bord
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
I love water. Especially when it`s frozen and surrounded by vodka.
Every time I think I finally have the life I always dreamed of....I wake up.
Would people still go to the gym if Instagram didn`t exist?
Easy come, easy go describes my last 12 cases of beer and 17 relationships.
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
When ur mom Calls and u have a party at ur house you; shut up!! Answers phone you; hi mommy!
Does the Lego movie come with a disclaimer "Some assembly required"?
Bad news, guys. Throwing a cat through a wall doesn`t make a funny, cat-shaped hole. jk
Weekends r like d salary.. It takes a lot to get thr, & whn it finally does, it`s over in no time ;) - aa
So does screaming at my son in Chuck E. Cheese because he won`t share his game tokens with me make me an evil person? Just kidding! I have no clue whose kid this is.