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All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
I’m in my dentist’s waiting room practicing my lies about flossing.
My car said "low on fuel"..I replied "low on cash"..I`m still waiting for a reply..
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
"Oh wow, it`s a fruit cake! I`m going to eat some of it right now" ...said no one ever.
Sorry, I just saw your text from last night. Are you guys still at the restaurant?
The trouble with children is that they´re not returnable.
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you`re better off staying home with no pants on.
I`m no auto mechanic but I`m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
Happy Fourth of July!! Or as the rest of the world likes to call it, Friday.
I wasn`t born with enough middle fingers to show you how I really feel about you!
I`ve been baptized five times this week in five different churches. I wish the landlord would hurry up and fix my shower.
I don’t call it laying down anymore, I call it landscape mode.
Nothing sadder than the look on my dogs face when I drop food from the table and they realize it`s lettuce.
AWESOME!