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When i am bored, i like parking along side the xpressway stick a hair dryer out the window, and watch everyone slam on their brakes.
Drinking coffee in the afternoon is like eating the mushroom that makes you big in Super Mario.
Do you ever think about sh!t you did in the past and just go why the f*ck did nobody punch me in the face?
’Friday’ is my second favourite word starting from the letter `F`. :)
Oh I thought it was wait 30 YEARS after eating before you exercise.
I believe in karma, which is why I`m such a d!ck to total strangers, just in case they deserve it.
For every action, there’s an equal and opposite reaction. Plus a social media overreaction.
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. "How`s it going?", "How about the weather?", "Where are your pants?".
I hate when I get to the office and there isn’t a smoking crater where the building is.
Yes, Facebook says we`re `friends` but, trust me, I wouldn`t hesitate to punch you in the face.
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were texting all night with a calculator.
I don`t want to brag or make anybody jealous, but I can still fit into the earrings I wore in high school.
I like to say my kid handles funds for a multi-billion dollar corporation. It`s easier than saying he is a cashier at McDonald`s
Of course China is dominating the olympics, they probably made all of the equipment.
1. Denial 2. Anger 3. Bargaining 4. Depression 5. Acceptance – My stages of getting ready for work