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Money may not buy you happiness, but it does buy you all the sh1t you want!
I support recycling, I wore this shirt yesterday.
Save your little napkin, bartender. I don’t plan on having this drink long enough to set it down.
If Monday had a face... I`d punch it.
Apparently "Fat Tuesday" doesn´t constitue telling fatties they´re fatties.
Sometimes it looks like I’m flashing gang signs, but really I’m just trying to get Scotch tape off my hand.
I have the rest of my life to be an adult.
You said you wanted my advice, but I see you haven’t f*cked off or died yet.
I was blown away when I realised the word " OK " is a side ways person.
That awkward moment when the guy who discovered milk had to explain what he was doing to the cow.
I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.
I wish there was a room where we could go and see all the stuff we have ever lost.
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
Everyone please stop doing crimes because sirens are too noisy.
I can`t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment