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Just because it`s a bad idea, doesn`t mean it`s not going to be a good time.
Given enough coffee, I could rule the world.
My wife said she wanted to feel special. So I gave her a helmet and some crayons. Perhaps I misunderstood her?
If it weren’t for physics and law enforcement, I’d be unstoppable.
Do handjobs from girls who speak sign language count as blowjobs
As long as everything is exactly the way I want it, I`m totally flexible
That moment when you pour yourself a bowl of cereal and discover there`s no milk. So you just sit there, wondering why bad things happen to good people?
I’ve always wanted to climb Mt. Everest…just not more than I don’t want to.
You’ll never be as young as you are now.
If someone throws a rock at you, throw a flower back at them, but, make sure the flower is still in the pot..
I`m just looking for a reason not to drink
Not only am I a master of suspense, but I...
Things that don`t kill bees: 1. Furniture polish 2. Febreeze 3. Butter 4. Screaming
Please don`t come to my garage sale if you`ve ever let me borrow something.
Of all the advice given to me over the years, “There really is no bad time for a beer” has proved to be the most helpful.