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that awkward moment when you`re scuba diving and you see Adele rolling in the deep.
So, when is this Old Enough To Know Better thing supposed to kick in?
I`m not impatient. You`re just slow.
It’s not the destination, it’s the journey. Except when you’re heading to the bathroom with explosive diarrhea.
If you don`t have anything nice to say, say it anyway, `cause it might be really really funny.
I never thought I’d be the type of person who would get up early in the morning to exercise. I was right.
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight like hell when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
just read a list of "the 100 things to do before you die." I´m pretty surprised "yell for help" wasn´t one of them.
This donut scented car freshener will more than pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
I stopped paying my car payments to concentrate on my dream of appearing on a Repo show.
The problem with rich people is I`m not one of them.
Excuse me sir, where do you keep the "Whoomp"? Oh, there it is.
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs. For a second, I thought, "Should I help?" Then I thought, "No...6 should be enough."
Fitness? More like, fitness whole pizza in my mouth.