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Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, & nothing but the truth" ... I choose dare, your honor
I hate wasting alcohol on social occasions.
I get a little nervous eating cucumber in a single woman`s home.
If you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a video camera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
I’d go to the gym but I’m still tinkering with the ultimate workout playlist I started three years ago.
If a 747 can carry a f*cking space shuttle on its back, I’m calling bullsh!t on an overweight baggage charge.
Me: There has to be a way I can lose weight! Friend: Eat healthy? Exercise? Me: No, that`s not it. Keep thinking! We`ll figure this out.
I need to learn the rules to make sure I don`t accidently follow them
I am really thankful that I have a desk job. I could never get all my personal stuff done at home.
I finally quit eating pizza for good, now I only eat pizza for evil.
Why do they even offer 2014 as an option when selecting your birth date? Like you’re fresh out of the womb ready to join Gmail.
There is no such things as ghosts. I know, I asked Santa Claus
Arm wrestling is DEFINITELY the manliest sport where Two dudes hold hands...
The real reason I’m not a superhero…. Pockets, I need my pockets.
Why do people walk by and say "Hi, how are you?" but they don`t stop long enough for you to reply!