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I don`t really want to make bad choices; but I`m always late, and all the good choices are already taken..
FACT: If you want to keep a secret from me, put it inside a Facebook event invitation.
The best thing about the internet is how quickly you can offend the maximum amount of people with minimum effort
Found a baby snake in my backyard while mowing. Long story short, I don`t have to mow anymore since my yard is on fire.
You say Iām not cool. But cool is another word for cold. If Iām not cold, Iām hot. I know Iām hot. Thanks for embracing it.
McDonalds ... closing thigh gaps since 1967.
When people say, "You look familiar," i like to reply with, "Do you watch porn?"
When you are dead, you don`t know you are dead but other people do. The same is true when you are stupid.
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Give a man a fish & he`ll eat for a day. Give a man a jelly fish and you can pee on him.
I don`t need drugs to have a good time, I need them to focus, avoid depression, endure winter, fall asleep, and controll my high blood pressure
Apparently saying, "You mad, bro?" is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
AT this stage in my life an ALL NIGHTER JUST means I didn`t have to get up and pee....
Never marry a tennis player " love means nothing to them "
One of the saddest days of my life was when I heard that bears sleep for half the year and I realized I had been born the wrong species