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When I want to trim down my friend`s Facebook list I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
Yawning is our body`s way of saying 20% of battery remaining
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for "hardcore poem"?
Bitch Iām not insulting you, Iām describing you.
By the time someone says something in the meeting worth writing down, I`ve likely already taken my pen apart and lost the spring.
For Display Only` signs on the toilets at Home Depot. Sorry guys my bad. ;)
When two people love each other deeply, nothing is impossible. Except deciding on where to eat.
North West: Daddy what were you famous for? Kanye: rapping. North West: Mommy what were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it`s considered responsible. But if you do that with your gf, it`s called "cheating."
"Well that can`t be right." - dogs watching us catching balls with our hands
my entire life is a "had to be there" moment
i only drink on days that end with y
I knew I was going to jail when I yanked at the cop pants and they didn`t tear away ..
Beware of the deodorants with instructions that ask you to "remove the top and push up bottom"... they could at least make them round.
Fast food places should have a third window, where you can trade in the wrong stuff they gave you at the second window.