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Everything you paid $50,000 to learn in college is now on the Internet for free.
If you can`t handle me at my worst...I don`t blame you, neither can I.
Ladies: We leave the toilet seat up because we don`t want to touch it any more than you do.
I don`t get it, no matter how many times I call `shotgun` the cops always put me in the backseat.
People: What a bunch of bastards!
Wouldn`t it be great to revive the old "Mutual Of Omaha`s Wild Kingdom" show, but with a new setting? Like a WalMart Store in Kentucky?
Last night I got drunk and ate 3 tennis balls by mistake, f*ck you Pringle`s.
99% of people are stupid. Luckily, I`m part of the other 3%.
Amnesia sounds so relaxing.
I hope I can still remember the dance to Thriller when I become a Zombie.
If anybody out there happens to have my voodoo doll, can u please scratch my balls. I happe to be in a public place at the moment.
I don`t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you`re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year`s party, hope you had fun dude.
I purposely cry while cutting carrots so onions don`t think they`re ugly or something.
I`m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
If the cupcake has some green sprinkles on it, it`s a vegetable, right?