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I got some new underwear. Well, new to me...
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension. The fact that I am dragging a body should be entirely irrelevant.
You, my friend, deserve a high-five... that’s four more fingers than I normally give.
Your eyes are so beautiful. If you look deep enough i can see my own reflection...
Was born with a rare condition called "Amazing"
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
I really have important work to get done, but I really just want to sit here and complete a quiz on what percentage redneck I am..
Checking the time on your phone twice because you were`nt paying attention the first time
Are you one of those people that get hurt from things posted on Facebook? You can easily avoid that by keeping your a$$ off of Facebook.
That "No alcohol beyond this point." sign might as well say "I bet you can´t chug that whole beer!"
Wake up, kids! Bees can`t even read, much less spell. IT`S A SCAM!
Tattoos are an expensive and a painful way to guarantee that the police can make a positive identification
One of the things I like to say to a girl after we have sex for the first time is "Hmm, damn weird... I heard you were better."
A cop comes up to a man on the street. Cop: Seen anything unusual? Man: A dolphin with a hat once. Cop: I mean around here. Man: No, they live in water.
LSD makes users lose weight ... That makes sense. It`s kinda hard to get to the fridge when there`s a dragon guarding it.