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I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn`t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
What`s the difference between "Ooooo" and "Ahhh"? About 3 inches.
Every Scooby-Doo episode would literally be two minutes long if the gang went to the mask store first and asked a few questions.
No matter how little I do in a day. I always feel like I could have done less.
I`d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we`re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser..
I don`t know what is longer. A microwave minute or a treadmill minute.
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn`t concentrate.
Sea levels aren’t rising due to global warming. They are rising due to the increase in obesity. The continents are actually sinking…
“How are feeling today?” is a polite reminder that you were a mess the night before.
If it`s the thought that counts ... Then I should probably be in jail
I just discovered my oven CAN CLEAN ITSELF! Naturally I will be searching my apartment looking for similar buttons.
You`re always ahead of schedule when it comes to disappointing me.
I wonder if I could get a job as a babysitter if I referenced my Facebook group admin experience.
It`s the little things in life that count, like pills.
Avoid hangovers: stay drunk ;)